My Goodbye

I’ve been meaning to write, it’s just been hard.

Every time I sat down to write, I couldn’t find the motivation. The words were there, ready to take their place on the screen, but I didn’t want to write them. Thinking back, the last time I actually journaled anything was on the plane ride home.

I’ve always been pretty good about writing. It’s helped me process my emotions from all my experiences. Unfortunately, thinking about last year has been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. So, I’m forcing myself to write this. I owe it to myself and you since this will be my last blog for quite some time.  

If I’m being honest with you, this is about the tenth attempt of just the introduction. I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling, so I guess I’ll start from the beginning and see where this goes.

This time last year I was trying to convince my parents to visit me in Thailand. In March, my convincing paid off because my parents came and spent two weeks with me! In April, I helped host a missions team. In May, my roommate and I visited a few of our Remember Nhu homes in Myanmar. In June, a group of high school seniors from my church’s youth group came on a mission trip to Thailand and I hosted them for about three weeks. As soon as they left, I got sick for about a week and a half. Then, in July, my dad passed away and I’ve been trying to catch up ever since.

Right before life got messy, God asked me if I could devote my life to missions. I wrote a blog about it. If you didn’t read it, the answer was yes. I understand why he asked me when he did because if he would have asked me after July 2^nd, the answer would have been a hard no. For those who are wondering, missions is still on the table. I don’t know where or when but He will send me back out into the mission field again one day.

The transition home has had its ups and downs. I’m pretty sure everyone knows, but if for some reason you don’t, I came home because my dad passed away. I had planned to come home in August for about 6 months to fundraise and spend time with friends and family before moving back to Thailand indefinitely, but when my dad passed away unexpectedly, I packed my bags that same day and by the grace of God (and the help of my boss and his wife) was able to get on a flight that evening. The first two weeks home were a chaotic and messy. Life is still chaotic and messy, I’m just handling it better...kinda.

I don’t believe this feeling will ever go away. It’s similar to a fog. It rolls in and out, in and out. Sometimes it’s really thick and hard to see through. Sometimes it looms overhead, just high enough so that we can see what’s ahead of us, but we know it’s there. We know it doesn’t last forever so it’s bearable for the time being. But, we also know that it will always return…and that’s the scary part. This is life now, the fog coming and going.

In the eulogy I wrote for my dad, I said that he was in the presence of Jesus and that we would never dream of taking him away from the Lord just to be with us again; we could never be that selfish. But the truth is, I wasn’t ready for my dad to leave. I still need him. I will always need him.

There are no words to describe the heartache we feel but we are not alone in our sorrow. We know that when my dad passed away, Jesus wept with us. And knowing where he is gives us peace because he is with our Father, excitedly waiting for us to join him.

But it’s not just my father I mourn. I also mourn the way I had to leave Thailand; without having a chance to say goodbye to the strangers who became my family and friends. When visitors leave our homes, the house parents prepare a special meal and the children sing a goodbye song. It symbolizes the completion of your time in Thailand. Having lived there for three years, I attended countless dinners for visiting teams and co-workers. I knew my dinner would come soon and it would provide closure for this season in my life. It would also allow me to share the exciting news that I would be back for an indefinite period of time.

Unfortunately, I never got to say goodbye to anyone. I packed my bags and left Thailand like a thief in the night. 

Having been home now for a little over 6 months has had its ups and downs. I was offered a 4^th grade teaching position with former co-workers and administration, all of which was God’s doing, at an amazing school. Even though I have been out of the traditional school setting for a few years, the transition back into the classroom has been smooth and I absolutely love my job. My mother, brothers, and I are adjusting. Every day is a new battle. Some days are easier than others but we have each other and that’s the most important thing. Family will always be the most important thing.

I won’t be posting much on my Cristina in Thailand page because there’s not much to post these days. However, I will let you in on a secret. For the past year and a half, the idea of writing a memoir has been biting at my toes. So, in the absence of blogging, I am going to start writing my book. I’m not sure if it’s just for fun or if it’s the Lord’s hand encouraging me to share my story, but I’m going to attempt it. I mean, I have the perfect last name, right?

I want to again express my gratitude to everyone who has prayed for, donated to, and supported me over the past 3 years of missions. YOU are the reason this was possible.

Thank you.