My Goodbye

I’ve been meaning to write, it’s just been hard.

Every time I sat down to write, I couldn’t find the motivation. The words were there, ready to take their place on the screen, but I didn’t want to write them. Thinking back, the last time I actually journaled anything was on the plane ride home.

I’ve always been pretty good about writing. It’s helped me process my emotions from all my experiences. Unfortunately, thinking about last year has been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. So, I’m forcing myself to write this. I owe it to myself and you since this will be my last blog for quite some time.  

If I’m being honest with you, this is about the tenth attempt of just the introduction. I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling, so I guess I’ll start from the beginning and see where this goes.

This time last year I was trying to convince my parents to visit me in Thailand. In March, my convincing paid off because my parents came and spent two weeks with me! In April, I helped host a missions team. In May, my roommate and I visited a few of our Remember Nhu homes in Myanmar. In June, a group of high school seniors from my church’s youth group came on a mission trip to Thailand and I hosted them for about three weeks. As soon as they left, I got sick for about a week and a half. Then, in July, my dad passed away and I’ve been trying to catch up ever since.

Right before life got messy, God asked me if I could devote my life to missions. I wrote a blog about it. If you didn’t read it, the answer was yes. I understand why he asked me when he did because if he would have asked me after July 2^nd, the answer would have been a hard no. For those who are wondering, missions is still on the table. I don’t know where or when but He will send me back out into the mission field again one day.

The transition home has had its ups and downs. I’m pretty sure everyone knows, but if for some reason you don’t, I came home because my dad passed away. I had planned to come home in August for about 6 months to fundraise and spend time with friends and family before moving back to Thailand indefinitely, but when my dad passed away unexpectedly, I packed my bags that same day and by the grace of God (and the help of my boss and his wife) was able to get on a flight that evening. The first two weeks home were a chaotic and messy. Life is still chaotic and messy, I’m just handling it better...kinda.

I don’t believe this feeling will ever go away. It’s similar to a fog. It rolls in and out, in and out. Sometimes it’s really thick and hard to see through. Sometimes it looms overhead, just high enough so that we can see what’s ahead of us, but we know it’s there. We know it doesn’t last forever so it’s bearable for the time being. But, we also know that it will always return…and that’s the scary part. This is life now, the fog coming and going.

In the eulogy I wrote for my dad, I said that he was in the presence of Jesus and that we would never dream of taking him away from the Lord just to be with us again; we could never be that selfish. But the truth is, I wasn’t ready for my dad to leave. I still need him. I will always need him.

There are no words to describe the heartache we feel but we are not alone in our sorrow. We know that when my dad passed away, Jesus wept with us. And knowing where he is gives us peace because he is with our Father, excitedly waiting for us to join him.

But it’s not just my father I mourn. I also mourn the way I had to leave Thailand; without having a chance to say goodbye to the strangers who became my family and friends. When visitors leave our homes, the house parents prepare a special meal and the children sing a goodbye song. It symbolizes the completion of your time in Thailand. Having lived there for three years, I attended countless dinners for visiting teams and co-workers. I knew my dinner would come soon and it would provide closure for this season in my life. It would also allow me to share the exciting news that I would be back for an indefinite period of time.

Unfortunately, I never got to say goodbye to anyone. I packed my bags and left Thailand like a thief in the night. 

Having been home now for a little over 6 months has had its ups and downs. I was offered a 4^th grade teaching position with former co-workers and administration, all of which was God’s doing, at an amazing school. Even though I have been out of the traditional school setting for a few years, the transition back into the classroom has been smooth and I absolutely love my job. My mother, brothers, and I are adjusting. Every day is a new battle. Some days are easier than others but we have each other and that’s the most important thing. Family will always be the most important thing.

I won’t be posting much on my Cristina in Thailand page because there’s not much to post these days. However, I will let you in on a secret. For the past year and a half, the idea of writing a memoir has been biting at my toes. So, in the absence of blogging, I am going to start writing my book. I’m not sure if it’s just for fun or if it’s the Lord’s hand encouraging me to share my story, but I’m going to attempt it. I mean, I have the perfect last name, right?

I want to again express my gratitude to everyone who has prayed for, donated to, and supported me over the past 3 years of missions. YOU are the reason this was possible.

Thank you.

What does it look like when you say yes to God?

March and April were such hectic months, with my parents coming to visit me, taking care of a Passport team, teaching English, and traveling to Myanmar. I’m just now catching my breath before uncertainty and craziness begin all over again.

My parents visited me in March for my birthday and it was amazing. It was such an honor to show them around this country I’ve called home for the past two and a half years. We were in Bangkok for a few days, doing touristy things and then spent the rest of our time in Chiang Mai, riding elephants, taking pictures with tigers, and visiting temples. They were able to visit a few of the homes I work with and see for themselves the reason that makes saying goodbye to Thailand so hard. It’s pretty awesome when I post photos now and my parents comment, “I know that face!” Thailand and America don’t feel so separated anymore.

After my parents left, I helped with team responsibilities by driving around a Passport team that was serving with us until the end of April. I was able to develop relationships with about twelve 18-25 year olds. They were amazing and a huge help with my Saturday English classes. Once they left, I had about 4 days to myself and then my roommate and I headed over to Myanmar for about a week to get to know the homes, children, and house parents of our organization.

It’s amazing how neighboring countries can be so different, like night at day. Myanmar, as a whole, was an amazing experience and probably the most rural and poor country I’ve ever been to. I can’t lie, the first day was really difficult because it felt like I was going through an unexpected technology detox. I went from having the internet at my fingertips to my phone becoming an electronic brick within a matter of a few hours. I hadn’t realized before how conditioned I was to checking my phone for messages, notifications, alerts, or just mindlessly scrolling through different apps. After the first day, I came to terms that this is just the way life is and stopped looking for hotspots and wifi.

Without the distraction of my phone, I was able to listen to the Lord when he whispered to me. The first morning I woke up at the crack of dawn, literally, like 5:30AM, and my initial instinct was to scroll through all social media accounts to catch up on anything I might have missed out on while I slept. But, because my phone’s only ability was its alarm clock function, my spirit urged me to be in the word and in prayer. During these morning devotions, I was reminded of who Christ is and of his love, mercy, and grace, which is evident in all the children’s homes we visited. The children, similar to their Thai counterparts, are loving and so content. We brought games to a few of the homes up north, games like Connect 4 and UNO, games they had never seen or played! Our afternoons were filled with teaching each other how to say numbers and colors in each other’s native language. We learned the art of just sitting around and conversing with neighbors, which mainly meant my roommate and I watching chickens run around while the natives spoke to each other. We watched a lot of chickens.

After my parents left in March, the question before I knew it as a question, was tugging on my heart for months, “Can you really leave all this behind?” Myanmar shaped the answer, before I knew it was my answer. Here I was at a major crossroads in my life, which left me restless, left my soul searching for answers to questions I didn’t know how to ask yet, afraid of what answers would slip from my lips. I had already said yes to bits and pieces of my life that God had asked for. Mission trips here that lead to a few years committed there, all leading to what? What does it look like when you say, “Yes. Forever. My life is yours Lord, wherever you lead me for however long you ask of me. I am all in”?

With tears streaming down my face, what did I just do? Am I ready for this? America is no longer home? How did plans change so quickly? Are you sure God, me? I’m afraid….

Don’t be afraid.

Reflecting on all the experiences from just this year, with my bible open, desperately calling to God for guidance, the Lord lead me to Isaiah 6:8,

Then I heard the Lord asking, 

“Whom should I send as a messenger to my people?
Who will go for us?”
And I said, “Lord, I’ll go! Send me.”

And I knew my answer.

So what does this mean? Well, I don’t really know. What I do know is that I am coming home in July, for a short time and then I will move back to Thailand, indefinitely. Many of you know that one of my biggest goals was to further my education and earn a master’s degree in Education Technology.  I plan on coming home to earn money for the cost of tuition and once I have funds raised for my tuition, I will complete the program back in Thailand.

I ask that you pray for wisdom and guidance during this season of my life. I pray that you ask the Lord to guide my steps and that my plans are in line with His will. I ask that you pray for peace over the decision I’ve made and that I don’t become fearful of my unknown future. But most of all, I ask that you pray that my relationship with Christ is strengthened as I lean on him. 

Baptism Sunday

And this is a picture of baptism, which now saves you by the power of Jesus Christ’s resurrection. Baptism is not a removal of dirt from your body: it is an appeal to God from a clean conscience.
1 Peter 3: 21

Two weeks ago was Baptism Sunday, where students who have committed their lives to the Lord show the rest of their peers how serious they are about their relationship with Christ by being baptized. It’s an amazing moment where a child’s faith is proven to be their own, true, and real. It’s also a reality check for others around them because they’ve realize Jesus isn’t just another god added to the list of gods to appease, He is their only God they believe in and it’s proclaimed to those around them.

Praise the Lord!

I am so thankful this is the second year I have been able to witness my family grow in numbers. We had twelve children baptized, eleven boys and one girl. A Buddhist neighbor near the children’s home offered their pool for us to use so we could baptize, which was also an opportunity to share who Jesus is with the community and why Christians are baptized.

After the children were baptized, they were lined up to receive certificates, flowers, and of course a photo shoot. The Thai’s love to takes photos of any event going on. The rest of the children lined up to welcome each child baptized into their Christian family.

Later that afternoon, some children were playing a form of double dutch, minus the swinging of ropes. The goal was to snap it with your feet, or maybe jump over it, I’m not sure. I just saw a bunch of girls not touching the rope when they went over, so I thought, “Hey, I can do that too!”

I could not. The next morning my knees felt just fine (thanks to rubbing tiger balm on them the night before) and we got some good laughs out of me making a fool of myself, which is not at all uncommon. I’m happy I don’t feel as old as I really am.

That same evening, I decided to go to the Sunday night market, one of my favorite markets to saunter around. There are a couple of used book stores along the way that I always go in to because bookstores feel so familiar or because I have an insatiable appetite for books, who knows why I’m always drawn to them. I have an uncanny ability to build a library where ever I live. However, that night, on my way home, the songtaew took us through the red light district. The red light district in Chiang Mai is not at all as big or inescapable as the ones in Bangkok. In Bangkok, there are taxi and tuk tuk drivers who are paid to suggest taking tourist to these areas full of night clubs and bars specifically designed with the western male’s sexual interests in mind. They advertise that all girls and boys are available, any race, any age, any sexual preference, any desires. Whatever you’re into you’ll find it there. It makes my stomach turn just to think about it.

In Chiang Mai though, the advertisement isn’t as publicized as it is in Bangkok, which I am thankful for. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Since I’ve lived here, I have tried to avoid going to the red light district, mainly because the work I am involved in this time around is prevention, not rescue. But driving past the clubs and bars, seeing women sitting out front on stools, waiting for customers to walk by broke my heart. Wasn’t it just that morning that twelve children accepted Christ into their hearts and now that evening, I watched over double that amount on the streets, possibly clueless to who Jesus is and what it means to live safely. It was a sobering drive home. It’s not all hopeless, all the time. I have a friend who has had a desire to work in bar ministry, working with prostitutes, and she tells me stories about relationships she’s building with the different women she meets. There is hope, there is a possible future, and there is a possible escape for these women and children who think they have no way out. Our God is a great God. Our God is a God of the impossible.

So now, February is the last full month of school for our children. This month will be full of exams to go on to middle school, high school, or graduation from high school. Pray for our students, for upcoming exams and their future.

Thank you for your support and prayers. You are the reason why I am able to do the work I am doing. 

Mae Hong Son

This past week, some friends and I had the opportunity to visit a home Remember Nhu partners with in the Mae Hong Son province to share some Christmas joy and love. It’s about a six hour ride through the mountains with 1,864 torturous curves, which I spent praying that the Lord would just take my soul because I was sure I wouldn’t make it out of the van alive (and really, who spent their time counting all these curves?!). Many Americans who come to Thailand for Remember Nhu are typically from the west coast region of the US. What I consider mountains here in Thailand, most consider large hills. We agree to disagree, however, driving through them, loop after turn after curve was nauseating, mountains or hill. There were a few close calls and many Dramamine pills consumed but we made it there and back without any accidents, PTL *hands in the air emoji*.

We were asked to visit this home in particular because they were unable to join the rest of the Remember Nhu homes in Chiang Mai for our Christmas celebration the previous week. Christmas celebration is one of the few times all our homes in Thailand are able to get together. We didn’t want the children to miss out on Christmas gifts and a special meal, so we made the 247 km (154 mile) drive through the mountains to visit children and house parents we had never met to share presents and time with them.

Mae Hong Son province is similar in feel to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. It’s surrounded by beautiful mountains and has tons of quaint shops filled with tourists from all over the world. There are day tours to nearby villages and landmarks in the surrounding area and night markets every night of the week. We stayed in a hotel near a lake that has a night market. During the week, while the children were in school, we were able to visit a Long Neck Hill tribe, a mile and half long bamboo bridge across a rice field, a Chinese village in the mountains, and a beautiful waterfall in addition to getting lost in the countryside.

It's indescribable how beautiful Thailand’s country side is. I will always choose the beach over the mountains, but the green foliage that surrounds and grows from the trees and mountains is captivating, almost suffocating. There’s so much of it, so much of nature that isn’t common in everyday city life. Driving through the mountain roads made me feel like I was transported back to the beginning of creation. Just thinking about how God opened his mouth and spoke nature into existence was overwhelming. My mind wandered off thinking about how He existed before the earth was created and how he exists outside of time. When I was a child I asked my mom who created God and she said that no one created him, that he has always existed and I couldn’t understand how. How can he have always existed? As an adult, in that moment, I tried to wrap my mind around God’s existence again. Maybe as an adult I could figure out the mystery of God. How could he have always existed? How old is He really? But swallowed in the mountains, surrounded by greenery so overwhelming, I became frustrated and had to stop thinking all together. There’s no way I can ever wrap my mind around how big God really is and as frightening as that realization is, there is comfort in knowing that the God who created the universe, the God who is so big that when I try to think about it my brain literally hurts, loves me unconditionally and thinks of me too. Seeing the country side made me understand how beautiful and wonderful the Lord’s creation is. 

Visiting the children’s home showed me what true agape love means.

Agape is defined as: the highest form of love, charity, the love of God for man and of man for God. Not to be confused with philia—brotherly love—agape love embraces a universal, unconditional love that transcends, that serves regardless of circumstances (Google).

Walking up the dirt driveway to the children’s home that is adjacent to their church building, the children share two separate bedrooms, one for eight girls and one for five boys. Their beds are made of thin blue plastic mattresses that line two large metal bed frames. I imagine the girls feeling like they’re at a sleepover talking to each other as they nod off. There is a strong sense of family when you see the children and house parents interact; a sense of safety and security that can only be found in a home where love and trust is evident. Seeing the children’s smiling faces as they ran up to us, complete strangers, to hold our hands and show us around was heartwarming.

We visited the home for four days to teach the house parents English, host an English camp for the children, and have a Christmas celebration complete with gifts and a delicious lunch. We sang ABC’s and practiced introducing ourselves. We colored and played Connect 4. We shared traditional hill tribe meals and a Thai favorite, chicken with sticky rice and papaya salad (Som Tum). We watched movies and took tons of photos of each other. We listened to each other speak in our native language and tried to figure out what was said. We laughed and tickled each other and enjoyed each other’s company.

Seeing how little these children had and yet how joyful they were was a shining example that more doesn’t always mean better. In the moments shared with these loving children and house parents, I wish I was a millionaire. I wish I could build a wonderful house filled with separate bedrooms for each child, complete with indoor bathrooms and central heating and air. I wish I could have purchased a truck for the home so the house parents could make one trip to and from school when dropping the children off. I wish I could have purchased a complete wardrobe for each child, filled with clothes that fit correctly and express each child’s style. I wish I could make the situation right for each child, so they wouldn’t have to live in a children’s home.

When I stare at the faces of these children, my heart is broken into a million pieces. A million ways the world is so broken. They smile because they have a mound of rice on their plates; my heart aches because they are separated from their families. They laugh because another child has done something silly, I hold back my tears because life has been unfair to them. They’re growing up not knowing or barely escaping the truth about how evil this world is, and I know there are many other children who won’t escape it.

It’s a slippery slope my heart walks along, feeling immense joy that these children are prevented from the possibility of being sold into human trafficking, whether it be child labor or sex labor, and feeling distraught that they’ll never have what I consider a normal childhood; growing up with your family, vacations, family dinners, and so on.

At the end of the day, I am truly grateful for being a part of an organization that is doing all it can to help children in dangerous situations, to end human trafficking, to give a future to those who would not have the opportunity if it wasn’t for organizations like Remember Nhu. Although my heart breaks from the many injustices our children face, my heart also rejoices because now our children can be children.  

Back to Normal November

Last month was Remember Nhu’s 10 year celebration and fall break for our children. It was a month full of activities, visitors, and hopefully some relaxation. During school breaks, if it's possible, students go back home to their villages to spend time with family and friends. It’s a great opportunity for our children to share their experiences and testimonies. Through word of mouth, children in these villages who are at risk could find protection with us.

Now that November is here, life is back to normal. Students are back in school, Saturday’s mornings are filled with English classes and other extracurricular activities and the traveling library visits different homes during the week. Last Saturday was the first English camp since the end of September and I was so excited at how many students showed up!

Walking into my classroom, students were seated and waiting patiently for class to begin. Since there was a month break, we reviewed basic conversations learned during our previous classes. Of course my students were shy and it took a little encouragement to get them to share, but once one student shared others wanted to prove they could converse as well. Thai students love a healthy competition. After conversation practice, we played plenty of board and card games. As I walked around facilitating, I was in awe at how much English my students were using, unprompted by the interns and myself. The students were so eager to practice their English they didn’t wait around for us to initiate conversation. Students were laughing with and at each other and helping each other with pronunciation. It’s moments like these that make my entire week.

I also visited some of the homes during the week, bringing the library books with me. The moment the children see the Leap Frog pens they get all hyped up. Some of the children were using the pens to quiz themselves and each other on vocabulary words. Others just enjoyed a story being read to them, even if it was in a foreign language. It’s a sweet feeling, spending time with these children, listening to them laugh and argue with each other. These homes truly feel like homes. The relationships they have with each other are endearing and familial. They work together, play together, eat together, sleep together, and depend on one another. It’s a bond that I have the privilege of being a part of. When I enter any of the homes and hear my name being called out, I’m overcome with love and homesickness because they don’t see me as a ship passing through the night but as a cog in the machine of their daily lives. There is a sense of safety and trust that can only be built with time that I will always carry in my heart. It’s no wonder anyone who comes to visit our homes in Thailand falls in deep love with the children, community, and culture here. How can you not be captured by these faces?

(Pretending to be dinosaurs)

(Learning about SnapChat)

This week was Loy Krathong, the lantern festival, where one pays respect to the goddess of the water. We drove downtown to people watch as locals and tourists set sail lantern boats in the river and paper lanterns in the sky. Watching the orange glow of the lanterns float up and disappear into the deep hue of the purple sky was spectacular, just like the last three Loy Krathongs I had the opportunity to witness.

                                     

(Yes, this is a Pikachu lantern.)

As the month continues, we’ll be blessing the Thai staff with our annual Thanksgiving lunch. Unfortunately, turkey prices have sky rocketed (almost $120 for a small turkey!) and this will be my first Thanksgiving without any turkey. I am deeply heartbroken but there will be sweet potato casseroles and green bean casseroles, so not all hope is lost. And well, right after Thanksgiving, Christmas will be right around the corner, then 2017, and before I know it my birthday, then Easter, and summer. And just like that life moves on so quickly.